i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
