If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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