goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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