I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
