Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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