I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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