she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
