Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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