i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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