Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
