so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
