hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
