Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
