moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dignity is for republicans.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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