I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hippo gnu deer
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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