Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
