JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
