I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Randomize
