I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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