I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
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