Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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