Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
