So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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