Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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