you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
