I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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