when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
