We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
