She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
