Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
