So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
