Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
