i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm too high and old for this...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
