There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
