you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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