anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
