Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
