I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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