Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
