Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the raccoons are back...
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