I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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