she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I will be naked everywhere
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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