well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
