Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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