Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
