when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
