Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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