On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
