Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
