I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
