someone threw a dead crab at me
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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