Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
