i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
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HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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