My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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