You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
