dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
