I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
