tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
