He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
