I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
