: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
