At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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