we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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